I’m no longer afraid of soaring!

My wings have been clipped for most of my life. However, today I’m no longer afraid of soaring!

Growing up, fear was instilled in me non-stop.

About everything.

About being an illegal immigrant.
About not behaving or else.
About my mother’s schizophrenia and how it was supposedly my fault.
So I was afraid I caused her maniac episodes.
About how as a teenager, I could get pregnant.
That was my welcome message to my first period.
I didn’t understand what that really meant.
I was afraid of being a woman.
Of being poor.
Of being sent back to Mexico by my family as punishment.
By immigration.
Of driving.
Of going to college.
Of having a job.
I was the most naive teenager.

I literally cried myself to sleep as a young child because I was afraid of so many things.
My little self couldn’t handle the pressure of the burden of fear I was given.
So I cried. All.the.time.
The kind of crying that hurts the soul.
The crying that with every tear drop I felt a deep pain in my lungs.
My crying was the silent kind.
I wasn’t able to show it because I would get in trouble.
So I cried myself to sleep every night.

Those many fears continued into my young adult life.
I was afraid of not succeeding.
Then I became afraid of succeeding.
I was afraid I was not good enough.
I was afraid of being myself because I was never accepted to be me.
I was too bossy.
Too outspoken.
Too demanding.
Too assertive.
Afraid to let my fat go that had protected me from being too beautiful.
Too attractive.
Too powerful.
And from being raped again.

No surprise, I married someone who kept the pattern going.
Clipping my wings using religion and submission.
Saying NO to almost everything I wanted.
I did it anyway but the pain of not being supported hurt me deeply.
I was afraid to disappoint God and that he would punish me for leaving. So I stayed much longer than I needed.

Until I faced my fears, one by one.

Looking back, I did that with most things too.
I walked to school in 4th grade because I missed my bus but it was Valentine’s Day
and I really wanted to go to school for the exchange.
I was told bad things would happen to me if I walked to school by myself but I did it anyway. I remember feeling so proud of myself.
I closed my eyes a lot and cried all the way to school but I made it.

I walked away from a very abusive relationship in my teenager years after years of fear for my life.
I did learn how to drive without any help from my family.
I got my first job at 14 and was promoted to manager. (they may have thought I was older…oops).
That pattern has repeated, I’ve excelled in all of my jobs.
I went to college although I never graduated (another post).
I raised my son as a single parent for eight years before getting married.

Today as a middle aged woman, I’m ready to take flight to levels I have never known.
This year my wings are wide open with no fear weighing them down.
I’m so ready and the best part is I’m not afraid anymore.
I have fears that want to creep up and yes I acknowledge them, process it and let it go.
But these days, the fear that held me back for most of my life is NO longer in the vibration of my being.
I didn’t believe it could happen for me.
But thanks to the work I’ve put in, it has.

I’m living proof that soaring is not only possible even with fear literally weighing me down with every step.

To be able to be ready to take flight to a higher level this year with great anticipation and joy is beyond amazing!

With zero voices saying I can’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t, not even my own voice.

I have zero idea what it will fully mean for me this year. But I’m not afraid to find out.

Although, I am still afraid of heights but even in that I’ve been intentional each year to overcome that at higher levels.

May my journey strengthen yours as you take flight in your best year yet in 2019!