I Never Deserved It

I wasn’t always the prettiest girl actually more of the opposite.
I did hang out with the pretty girls but never considered myself truly one of them. I had an eating disorder at an early age. Rather than eating less than I should I ate more, and then some. This gave me extremely low self-esteem. Not that I ever talked about it. When I hung out with my friends and the boys came around I just considered myself one of the boys more than I considered myself an option to them like the other girls were.
However, there was one guy I always had a crush on. The town I grew up in was pretty small and my circle of friends stayed the same all through grade school. They all knew who my crush was. I often was teased, if not by the boys, then by my own friends.

Flash Forward a few years, puts me in high school- junior year. One of my girlfriends(Nicole) and I, along with two guys (Andy & Bennett) were nearly inseparable. Always at the skatepark hanging out or going to parties. The four of us had become best friends. One of those guys was none other than my school girl crush Bennett. We finally did sleep together, nothing serious just a drunken hookup, similar to others that I had in high school. The Dynamics hadn’t changed though. The four of us continue to hang out and I would seek out other guys to date.

This went on for about a year. We hadn’t hooked up again because it wasn’t what I was looking for. But I’m not sure everyone else believed that to be the case. One holiday weekend my junior year, we had a party at my best friend Nicole’s house while her parents were out of town. Naturally, we thought we should throw a party, which sounded like a good idea at the time. We drank and had a good time for most of the night up until a majority of our guests began to leave. That’s when Bennett completely changed his tune. He first began trying to convince Nicole to sleep with him “she never has to know, just don’t tell her” he’d say, “that’s not the point” she replied. When that didn’t work he tried convincing the other three of us that a foursome would be fun. Again I was a drunk teenage girl… And began crying and left the room going into her mother’s room to get away from my friends. I felt embarrassed & underwhelmed. At the time I wasn’t sure why but Bennett had followed me in there the last thing I remembered from this part was falling asleep crying.
When I woke up or came to, Bennett was coming out of the shower wrapped in a towel. I felt disoriented and uneasy. Something was off but I just couldn’t place my finger on it. I tried getting Nicole to go with me to take Bennett home, with no luck. We offered him a cab but he instantly declined. I was upset and uneasy but more disoriented than anything. Reluctantly I took the 5 minute drive alone with Bennett to get him home. It wasn’t until I returned to Nicole’s house when the pieces started to fall into place. I then began to realize I was sore and was trying to understand why. I sat down with Nicole and her sister Marie. We started reviewing the events over the night. I confessed that I thought I may have slept with Bennett, but remembered nothing.
Now the sun was coming up and we had to clean up the house before her parents got back from the airport. Marie called me back into their mother’s bedroom. There was something she wanted to show me handprints. Handprints on the headboard of her mother’s bed made of Vaseline. In This Moment everything clicked. Sort of like those montage sequences you see in the movies where it’s a series of snapshots as an event it all came flooding back. Not only had Bennett taken advantage of the state I was in, he had completely violated me. Both vaginally and anally I was raped.

It took me several months before I could actually say the words. And it took me a few weeks before I could confront Bennett. It was awkward I worked in a restaurant in town with his older sister, who I on a daily basis. For the most part, I avoided their family out of embarrassment. They never believed my story. Since I had a crush on Bennett in middle school I must have wanted it – I must have asked for it. But i hadn’t, and i didn’t. His sister said that I asked for it. Ask for it how? By having a simple school girl crush? By falling asleep crying, in what was supposed to be a “safe place”? To this day id like to know how i deserved being assaulted by one of my so-called friends.
For the longest time I didn’t talk about it. Not very much at least. Until it happened again. The next time his victim was a 14 year old girl. When I heard that my heart stopped. When I heard that I decided to talk about it. Anytime the subject came up. Anytime I felt appropriate. It took me years to be comfortable with a man. To be able to stand naked. To let my guard down. Thankfully, I’ve conquered those demons since then.
I walk around naked. Shit- I dance naked! I’m in a loving relationship of 2 years and no longer feel that i need walls up around me….
I didn’t deserve it. No one does.